Sex Sells, Love Doesn't

by Madhusree

CW: Discussions of sex in books, meant for mature audiences

INTRODUCTION

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” ― Oscar Wilde

In today’s era, sex has been unequivocally equated to romance. Every contemporary book, every movie and every play which has witnessed popularity, has included scorching degrees of passion between the romantically linked leads. A sizable amount of books labeled under Romance are in essentiality - and in crude words - marketable erotica. The romance genre has long been associated with themes of love, passion, intimacy and sexual arousal - be it in poetry like by Sappho, or in prose like by E.M. Forster. While the former three elements are certainly important aspects of any romantic storyline, the genre has developed an overt emphasis on the latter, i.e. sexualization and physical sex. This can be both problematic and exclusionary. The emphasis on sexualization and physical sex in romance novels can lead to objectification, perpetuate harmful stereotypes, and contribute to a culture of unrealistic expectations around sex and relationships.

OPERATION COMMODIFY

One of the most notable issues with the emphasis on sexualization in romance novels is the objectification of characters, particularly female characters. Long legs that could go on for days, red lips set in an enticing pout, an hourglass figure with butter-smooth skin and eyes one could get lost in - all of these have become the staple for any female character. Even their personalities are designed in a way so as to serve as accessories for how hot and desirable they truly are - a prude, obedient, a virgin, “open-minded”, and/or not like the other girls - you know, the ones who only care about money and looks. Their physical attributes and sexual appeal is almost always given priority over their personalities, goals, and desires; and that too if they are fortunate enough to have one.

This is not just limited to the central character, as side characters regularly get labeled as sluts, bimbos, catty, “girly” ( to this date, I can’t understand how having interests regularly attributed to women is an insult), woke - the list goes on. The lack of representation of different body types in a healthy way is decreasing day by day. Fat women are toned down to being “thick”, and skinny women are painted as “lithe”, even when the replacement words connote entirely different meanings. Authors, editors and publishers seem to live in a perpetual fear of their books not selling well if the reader’s aesthetic sensibilities are not catered to, therefore getting stuck in an endless cycle of beautifying every flaw - or doing away with flaws altogether, masquerading the characters as something they weren’t meant to be. This has led to a disconnect from reality, and now a reader can never relate to the “average looking” main character, as supermodels have become the new average.

This can be particularly damaging for readers, as it reinforces harmful societal expectations around women's bodies and their worth based on their physical appearance. Women are sold an idea on how love cannot exist without mind-blowing sex, and that they have to pertain to unattainable standards of beauty to find their true love. This is not to say that such harmful expectations exclusively affect women, however unlike the gods of the literary establishment who remain predominantly male—both as writers and critics—their humble readers are overwhelmingly female. According to a 2000 survey, women outnumbered men as consumers of literature, across all genres of fiction. Yet the most objectified characters, across all genres of fiction, are still women. It does not take a stupendous amount of effort and logic to connect the dots, but it does take a stupendous amount of effort to consciously bring change to such a harmful narrative.

SEX-ME-NOT

The ungodly number of mentions of physical sex in the genre also furthers harmful stereotypes about gender and sexuality. For instance, it is often assumed that men are sexually aggressive and always interested in physical sex. The male romantic interests are majorly “Macho” men, taking charge of the situation and rescuing their “strong” romantic interests for the umpteenth time - almost always a female in such scenarios - from another undesirable situation (bonus points if it is due to the woman’s own doing). These men are painted as heart-broken, sex-obsessed “player” machines with the emotional intelligence of a jellyfish. God forbid if they always don’t make the first move or don’t make unnecessary sacrifices for their beloved. Books are fraught with male characters who are the “dominant” ones in bed, but this just serves to exacerbate the notion of men having to be in control, in every sphere of life. On the opposite side of the spectrum, women are expected to be passive and reserved, and submit to their man, even in bed. In such books, even the most closed off and sex-repulsed folks will change their minds after a few rounds of sex. This just insinuates that sex births love.

It does not.

Placing sex on a pedestal, and constantly reaffirming narrow sexual stereotypes contributes to a culture of toxic masculinity, wherein everyone is expected to feel sexual attraction, men are expected to pursue sexual encounters at all costs, and women are expected to be objects of desire without having much agency in their sexual encounters. It generalizes sexual encounters, and dissuades people of varying sexual interests from engaging in literature and their own fantasies. Men feel forced to take charge (vilifying inexperience to a major extent), females feel forced to sit back and not be proactive about their desires (slut shaming the ones who don't conform) and people feel forced to partake in sex, just because it is portrayed as the benchmark for a successful relationship.

Sex is nothing but a mutual choice, and it would do well for us to remember it, and not be portraying it as anything else.

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

On the other side of the spectrum, putting too much emphasis on physical sex creates a culture of unrealistic expectations around sex and relationships - when was the last time when the New York Best Seller™ book’s love interests didn’t sleep with each other and reached new heights in their relationship? When were they not in perfect sync with each other from the first get-go? The depiction of sex in romance novels often presents an idealized version of intimacy, where partners effortlessly achieve sexual satisfaction and experience intense emotional connections. It leads to this misplaced notion that intercourse always has to be flawless, perfect, and effortless. Even worse, a lot of times books suggest that open communication during times of grief, discontentment or anger can be replaced by sex. While it is a good way to create and further emotional connections in certain cases, it is not the absolute alternative to communication. In fact, using sex as a coping mechanism to avoid discussion with your significant other is detrimental towards the culmination of a healthy relationship - no matter how good it is. Still, one cannot help but notice a recurring theme of how mind-blowing intercourse between every romantically-linked pair is now a staple in every book. This creates unrealistic expectations for readers, leading them to believe that sex is always necessary, easy, effortless, and emotionally fulfilling - at least if you are with your destined one, that is.

CONCLUSION

Overall, the overt emphasis on sexualization and physical sex in the romance genre are slowly veering towards being problematic and exclusionary, and it’s not getting better by substantial means. While the themes of love and intimacy are central to the genre, the pervasive emphasis on physical sex and objectification bolsters harmful stereotypes, contributes to unrealistic expectations, and thus, excludes readers who do not conform to these narrow ideals of romance and intimacy. Therefore, it is important for writers, and for readers to critically examine and raise their voice regarding the current approach towards sex, sexuality and sexualization in the genre, and work towards creating more inclusive, diverse, and nuanced portrayals of love and intimacy.